March 9, 2009
Thoughts from the Hart
Who says keeping score is bad?
I always heard that you should not keep score in relationships. I heard this repeatedly, it sounded reasonable, so I assumed this must be true. Then I had an epiphany. My husband did something to make me irritated. This is not hard to do. I cannot stand any clutter, which is somewhat hilarious since I have 2 kids, 1 husband and 1 dog. The fish are excellent at not cluttering up the house, so I will leave them out of this. I also have unrealistically high expectations. Anyway, I digress. My husband made me mad. In my mind, I was yelling and screaming at him for doing whatever for the umpteen millionth time. I at least have the good sense not to actually yell at him (usually) since he is a very nice husband whom I would like to keep.
Then I had a thought. My husband does these very irritating, but very small in the big scheme of life, things. On the other hand, he also does extremely sweet, thoughtful things which I am sure I don't deserve. Had I been keeping score all of these years, it may have occurred to me to be kinder. I should overlook the shoes in the floor, the pile of recyclables left on the counter, his forgetfulness and not thinking through the day determining what the kids will need.
If I only counted the cups of coffee he has delivered to me , I probably owe him. Not to mention the times he has stopped at the store or been willing to turn around to pick up take-out after driving all day. For some unkown reason he does these and many other thoughtful things for me. He is not the big fancy holiday romantic husband. But he is the change the oil in your car, make sure you have gas and cash kind of husband. Even after 18 years.
Thank goodness I only yelled in my head. I am still not going to keep score - but now it is because I realize that I am pretty far behind.
Awesome first post. Congratulations!!!
ReplyDeletePsychologists know that you need 5 good interactions for every 1 bad interaction in order for a marriage to be happy. It is worth keeping track of the good things that go on if only to ensure you keep the balance in your marital account high so even if things go down that aren't so great you have marriage reserves to fall back on.
I'm not saying you should keep a tally per se but as you noted reminding yourself of and noticing all the good things your husband does will help you remember not to freak out the upteenth time he leaves his socks on the floor. Also its good to know you can contribute 10 good things for those days when he's not contributing things to make up for it and keep the overall balance high. This is why one person can go to marriage counseling and have the marriage improve. People generally can't stand having other people do things for them and not reciprocating so eventually he will kick it up a notch out of guilt. That is how I got my husband to offer to take me to Hawaii when all I did was bring him some chocolate covered sunflower seeds!
But I agree if you keep track of the negative and focus on it you are probably more apt to make more bad things happen than good.
Really good first post!